Other Destinations for Cristiano Ronaldo

11/23/2022

This article is for the jokesters, the whimsical fellas, the funny bros, and gals. If you're not in the mood for laughter and want a legitimate take on where we think Ronaldo could go, we have you covered here: Realistic Destinations for Cristiano Ronaldo

Now that we have the sergeants of seriousness gone, here are some outside-of-the-box teams we think Ronaldo could land. And in honor of CR37 years old, my bad, I meant CR7- we have seven teams for you.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers

What better place for Ronaldo to land but with another man in Tom Brady, who looks like a 1990s metrosexual man and is obsessed with playing well past his prime? "Ah, finally, someone that gets me," is what I presume these two would say to one another in unison when Ronaldo signs the contract to be Brady's WR2.

He may not have the same explosiveness he once had, but with his leaping ability and high positional IQ, Ronaldo will quickly learn the sport and become one of the best-possession receivers in the NFL. Also, we can't forget that Tom Brady unretired from professional football a day after flying to Manchester and watching Ronaldo's hattrick against Tottenham. Rumor is, and yes, I may be starting this rumor, that it was on that day that Brady and Ronaldo discussed plans for his eventual transition from futbol to football.


Los Angeles Lakers

Okay, if you don't like the physicality of the NFL and want a sport where everyone can still see your handsome face, the Los Angeles Lakers are the spot for Ronaldo. We're talking low-pressure basketball here because the Lakers are awful; there will be no expectations as he adjusts to a new sport. But they are still the most popular team in basketball, so he gets his fix of fame.

He's got the vertical for it, loves to flop, and gives off the vibes of a guy that will call for an iso every time he touches the ball. He would also help the NBA meet its quota of white European basketball players.

Plus, for the Lakers, what better way to distract from their awful team than signing one of the few athletes even more popular than LeBron? This path is a win-win; you can't convince me otherwise.


Beta Squad

Okay, hear me out, sure, this isn't a sports team, but I've got it figured out. Cristiano Ronaldo wants to launch a YouTube career, he's ready to become a satirical social media personality . . . it's why he did that interview with Piers Morgan. And what better way to do that than by joining the Beta Squad? We're talking pranks, guess the girlfriend challenges, and find the gold digger. You're telling me you wouldn't watch a video where Cristiano Ronaldo pretends to work at a Walmart for 6 months? You're a liar if you said no. Either that or you're older than 16.

And I know what you're thinking if you're venturing into a YouTube group, why not join the Sidemen? That would be too easy. They're already at the top of the food chain. Ronaldo wants to take a team to the top, and the Beta Squad is that team. They currently have 4.5 million subscribers compared to 17 million for the Sidemen. Ronaldo, your job is cut out for you. You know what you must do.

I can't wait to see that iShowspeed/Ronaldo/FIFA stream.


LIV Golf

If you aren't aware, there's a new golf league out there competing directly with the PGA Tour, and it's rubbing a lot of traditionalists like Tiger Woods the wrong way because its new and throwing money around. Created by a Saudi wealth fund linked with corruption and sports washing, the gigantic payouts it offers has convinced stars like Phil Mickelson and Brooks Koepka to ditch the establishment for that new McLaren.

Alright, enough about golf. The bottom line is this new league comes with a giant payout, and you don't even have to win the event. If Ronaldo wants to keep cashing-in on expensive paydays while playing a sport in his retirement, then he should really look at the MLS, ope dang it, typo, I meant LIV Golf. The transition to golf shouldn't be too hard anyway, Ronaldo can finally rely on just himself to win or lose.

Who knows, maybe Gareth Bale will join him.


Liverpool

Three words: Player/Owner/Head Coach. These are the roles Ronaldo will embody when he buys Liverpool, makes himself head coach, and continues his playing career. It's the perfect scenario. Liverpool is currently for sale, Ronaldo's net worth could easily make him part of an ownership group, and he'd get to run Liverpool into the ground as a final homage to Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United fans.

This is also the opportunity Ronaldo needs to hire all the pundits(ex-United players) that have uniformly defended him and make them part of his staff. Together they can bring Liverpool down.

The world will never forget the day Coach Ronaldo makes Ronaldo Jr. the youngest ever premier league player, but then cuts him from the team after not squaring the ball to Player Ronaldo in the six-yard box, which then annoys Owner Ronaldo, who then fires Coach Ronaldo for maltreatment of his son.


Barcelona

Ronaldo is obsessed with Messi and beating all of his records. And what better way to do that than by signing for Barcelona and taking down his records from within? It'll take a lot of years and an absolute insistence on playing a man well into his 40s, but at this point, we know Barcelona will do anything for cash. And as long as Ronaldo keeps the money coming through his long list of luxurious sponsorship deals, Barcelona will keep him on the field and happy.

It may even get to the point where Ronaldo releases a surprise pop music album. His fanboys vault it to number one on Spotify, which forces Barcelona to release a special edition jersey for Ronaldo's album. Checkmate, Ronaldo. And if you're worried the money issue may get messy- and the conflict of interests may violate UEFA's financial fair play, rest assured that those rules are all made up anyways; they don't actually do anything.


E-Sports Team (Ronaldo FC)

Say what you want about the Piers Morgan interview, but what we did learn is Cristiano Ronaldo is a family man. He cares for them and does his best to be there for them despite the extreme requirements of his footballing stardom, which leads me to E-Sports.

What better way to get your competitive juices flowing while spending more time with your family than becoming a professional E-Sports athlete? Team Ronaldo, led by Ronaldo and Ronaldo Jr., will take over the Esports world one game at a time. It's not uncommon to see grown men spend all their time playing video games these days, it can be extremely profitable.

It is time for Ronaldo to get his perfectly manicured hands on a pair of Xbox One controllers, a gaming chair, and an expensive gaming desktop. He will lead his army of 1 billion preteen boys spamming Twitter in his favor to the top of the gaming world.


Bonus:

President of Portugal

I'll give you a lil bonus: President of Portugal. I know I'm not the only one who watched that Ronaldo interview with Piers Morgan and got heavy flashbacks/PTSD of a recent former president who loved finger-pointing and arranging interviews as puff pieces. I especially got those vibes when his response to Rooney's criticism of him as a player was to call him ugly and jealous. That talent to distract from the legitimate criticism of your actions by resulting to personal attacks lets me know Ronaldo is ready for modern politics.

I know Portugal loves Ronaldo, and Piers Morgan will drop everything to be Ronaldo's campaign manager. The rivaling sides of modern politics also behave more and more like rivaling footballing clubs, with absolute demands of loyalty and no sense of compromise or objectivity. Ronaldo is a seasoned veteran of this from his nine years at Real Madrid battling Barcelona. He's ready for the political world, President Ronaldo may be his final form.


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