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Far-Fetched Friday: Whoever Signs This Player is Winning the NBA Finals
By: Kevin Zimbelmann
With the 2022 NBA free agency in full swing, some big moves have been made around the league. Jalen Brunson to the Knicks, Christian Wood to the Mavs, Raul Neto to the Cavs, BUT there's one man even 10+ years in that never gets mentioned, and I'm sick of it. The most impactful move of this year and the difference maker of your team holding that Lombardi Trophy or doing shots of Casamigos down in Cancun. One man can make that difference, and his name is Jae Crowder, AKA BOSSMANN. He's the perfect addition to your team for making a deep playoff run with triple-digit playoff games under his Gucci belt. He's born under the bright lights and made for the fast cars, baby. The importance of being a great 3 & D player in the league has never been higher with the meteoric rise of 3pt shots, but there is another variable we, at ICT ZONE, would love to bring up that those pansies at ESPN don't mention... The DAWG factor.
Welcome back to Far-Fetched Friday, where every Friday we give you a bold prediction that we believe will come to fruition. This Friday, we look at the BOSSMAN.
Oh, baby, Jae can go all day, so put your dukes away, Okay? This man Jae Crowder got so much DAWG in him that he got longer fight compilations than most men last in bed. Every day is a playoff game, so whenever I want to feel like a BOSSMAN, I watch some Jae Crowder highlights before I start my day. When you see those braids tighten up in that pregame walkout, you know damn well right then and there, it's time to nut up or shut up, and no one shuts up faster than when Jae is staring you down like the end of a double barrel shotgun. Remember when Jae Crowder dropped 30 points a game that one time? Probably not. But you do remember when he salsa'd on LeBron, cucked him, and got ejected. DAWG factor.
Jae Crowder got so much DAWG in him that countless NBA fans around the league chanted "F*** JAE CROWDER," so much that he created his own merch line around it. Get yours here. BOSSMAN, That's right, all caps, don't you forget it. Who gives a shit if he shoots 34% from the 3 when that shoulder is hitting your body 100 percent of the time on every possession? When that trash talk hits your soul, no one will be hitting their shots.
WHEN EVERYTHING IS PUT TO REST & EVERYBODY TAKES A BREATH & EVERYTHING GETS ADDRESSED… YOU KNOW HOW STICKY IT GETS.!! 😈😎— JAE CROWDER (@CJC9BOSS) June 29, 2022
Close your eyes and picture a death ray on the Earth. There's only one man you need to save the planet. Are You picking Curry? Not me- I want Jae Crowder. Now close your eyes again and imagine your sorry-ass franchise that never won an NBA Title, and imagine the confetti falling down on Jae Crowder in a Kings Jersey, in a Suns jersey. Any franchise, it doesn't matter, it's gonna be a wrap wherever he ends up landing this year.
Toast to you, Jae Crowder, showing that even 10+ years in, you still got that evil smile looking forward to giving the opponent's team hell. Toast to you carrying more intensity than these young bloods, and a final toast to getting your NBA ring and being right there in the conversation with one of the players of all time. If we all put the same hustle that you show every time you step onto the court in our personal lives? Well, I believe we'd have a whole world of BOSSMENN. That's a world I believe in.
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