Yes- I, the NCAA March Madness guru, am back to save your bracket. If you've kept up with the series, you're probably asking why I consider myself a guru when I'm one for four in my March Madness predictions. First of all, STOP- don't bring that negative energy here. Second, I'd say I'm two and five since you can't prove I was wrong with my 2020 prediction that Dayton would win the championship.

But I recently realized the reason I've been wrong is your fault. There are too many naysayers about my methods, which then irritates the arbitrary sequences I am observing, causing me to be incorrect. It's not me- it's you. We will be rewarded if you approach this prediction with a positive mentality. Plus, I haven't been that wrong when you really think about it.

2018: I was a young man, a little boy, and it was my first attempt, a mulligan if you will.

2019: I was right about Virginia. Shoutout to Kyle Guy and what is perhaps the most American name of all time.

2020: I would have been correct if not for Covid-19. So I'll take this dub too. Thank you.

2021: I was right that a #1 seed would win, just got the region wrong. Thanks professor, I'll take the half-credit.

2022: I was working with an incomplete data set that would have revealed #1 seeds won five tournaments in a row once before in the 90s.

Now that I've presented my case as the March Madness guru, and you realize you need to do your part by bringing positive vibes, I am here to give my prediction for the 2023 March Madness Champions based on hours on hours of analyzing numerical sequences that have absolutely nothing to do with basketball.

Count from 1 to 10

Or, well, in this case, count from 2 to 8. In order, here are the number of losses the last six NCAA champions ended their season with- 6,2,3,4,7,5. Rearrange that, and you get 2,3,4,5,6,7 . . . what's next? 8.

So, right away, we know this year's NCAA Champion will have eight losses. The only teams that fit that criteria are Utah State, Princeton, Duke, Memphis, Texas, Kennesaw State, and Colgate.

My first Hi-5

Since the NCAA Tournament expanded to 64 teams in 1985, every winner has been between a 1 and 8 seed. And within that limit, the only seed to have never won the tournament is #5.

So we're looking for a five-seed with eight losses? That leaves Duke, especially when you look at the other sequences.

Stay with me here; we're going on a roller coaster of explanations.

Everything Everywhere All at Once

The prior explanation and this one occur at the same time.

When was the last time we saw a unique seed win the tournament for the first time? That would be going back to 2014, when #7 won for the first time, thanks to UCONN.

UCONN entered that tournament with eight losses as the #7 seed in the East and the number #18 overall seed. They went on to finish their season 32 and 8.

A Duke win from the East means they'll be the only other #18 overall seed to win it all and will finish with an identical 32 and 8 as UCONN.

Back to the Future

A lot of firsts need to happen for Duke to pull this off, bringing us to their first-year head coach, Jon Scheyer. Remember how I discussed Duke would be the first 5-seed to win the tournament? Well, what if I told you Jon Scheyer was a starting point guard on the Duke team that stopped Butler from becoming the first #5 seed to win the national tournament in 2010?

That's right, #5 seeded Butler met #1 seeded Duke in the 2010 Championship Game, and it was Scheyer scoring the second most points in the game to help Duke walk away with the championship. Jon Scheyer made five shots, attempted five threes and five free throws, and finished with five assists. Call it a conspiracy, but I am 99% sure Jon Scheyer went back in time to stop Butler in 2010 to fulfill his destiny as the Coach to lead a #5 seed to an NCAA Championship. 

Scheyer thinks wearing glasses now that he's a coach will make him look older and throw me off the time-travel scent- try again buddy. I mean just look at him in 2010, what "22" year old (besides me at 22) has a hairline receding like that?

Duke will be the 2023 NCAA Tournament Champions.