Pep Guardiola has never coached a national team in his life, yet he might be the most influential international coach of the generation.
NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 3
By: Khaqan Khan
The Dallas Mavericks sit patiently by their respective lockers in the American Airline Center and try to collect their thoughts, taking Luka Doncic's suggestion that they all take a step back. The silence lasts for minutes. Players like Tim Hardaway Jr channel their resentment, while JJ Barea ponders in Spanish. Other players, like Kristaps Porzingis, try to find reception on their phones.
However, the silence breaks by the sound of a notification coming from Boban Marjanovic's phone. The locker room turns his way. "What was that?", asks Seth Curry.
"Sounds like a text notification to me" answers a tech-savvy Delon Wright.
"Probably a 'thinkin' about you' text from Tobias Harris" Jokes Jalen Brunson.
Porzingis interjects - "Wait, Boban, you have reception?"
Boban responds. "I...I don't know ..." as he takes his phone out, "it's from Mark Cuban!"
Just then, half the locker gets up. "What's he saying?" Donic asks, "And why did he text you and not me?"
Boban sits confused, "All it says is 'I'm sorry but I have to do this'" A collective moment of confusion comes out of the locker room. Players surround Boban like paparazzi.
They yell out things like, "text him back", "ask him what he means", "Make him apologize for the Parsons contract."
The whole roster comes to a hush when they notice the three dots pop up suggesting that Cuban is typing. Finally, it reads: "Activating Protocol 51." The confusion, now mixed with tension, has become palpable in the locker room, but before the players can react, Justin Jackson interrupts from the other side of the room.
"Uh, guys. Do you hear that? It sounds like the zombies are here".
Tim Hardaway Jr. Standing next to him adds, "Yea that, and I also hear my dad trying to talk me! He keeps telling me 'It doesn't matter that you're not as great as a player than me, I still love you'", Hardaway proclaims with a big smile, which is quickly dismissed by Doncic telling him, "Tim that's just in your head, your dad's legacy is haunting you again."
But there is banging at the door, grabbing the players' attention.
The team's leaders took turns addressing the team before going out to fight. After Spencer Dinwiddie's speech about how cryptocurrency will actually thrive in a world without internet makes everyone roll their eyes, Kyrie Irving comes in to give a speech about how they can defeat the zombies on a metaphysical plane instead of the physical, if everyone focuses their chakra on what the real meaning of basketball is by ignoring the false construct of American sports. Apparently, while Kyrie was doing his best impersonation of a basketball version of Dr. Umar Johnson, DevinKurant53 tweeted out, "KD can't survive no zombie apocalypse with those cats." The core that made this team so fun to watch last year has been isolated, leaving them to question their loyalty to this team.
+ Kevin Durant growing out of his old tweeting habits
- Kyrie says he doesn't play basketball for attention after starring in a movie based on his fake basketball persona that came from a Pepsi ad campaign
- Kyrie asking Brad Stevens about Plymouth Rock
- Spencer Dinwiddie wanted fans to auction for him to sign to their team
Kyrie Irving believes the earth is flat and idk why but that can't be good for a Zombie apocalypse: 6/10
After a surprising playoff berth last season, the Magic surprised us again by running it back by giving Vucevic a big boy contract after drafting Mo Bamba. Maybe we do not give the Magic enough credit. Maybe their length can come in handy when fighting off zombies. Devout tall person, Jonathan Isaac could slap a zombie from across the room, and good luck catching Aaron Gordon, who if he were a player in Madden, would spam the hurdle button. Even though he has been better as of late, Markelle Fultz still, however, has the potential to get the yips in high-stress situations especially if he can't access his energy source. It's hard to rely on others to protect you while they're too busy fighting off the undead, but this where the Magic's wingspan may come in helpful. Mo 'Fuck! Shit! Bitch!' Bamba can shadow over Fultz and share the spotlight of unproven talent. Bamba could also smack zombies from across the room to protect Fultz.
+ I always thought Aaron Gordon looked like a shark
- Vucevic's voice always catches me off guard.
- Aaron Gordon is still talking about the dunk contest
- Oh god, Aaron Gordon is trying to rap?
This team of rag tag misfits might just band together to make this work, Jonathan Isaac's ability to spot the best churches in town will be a game changer: 7/10
They checked his locker room; he was not there. They checked the bathroom; he was not there. They thought they saw him in the Trainer's room, but it was just Dwayne Bacon. Malik Monk is nowhere to be found. However, the Charlotte Hornets are in good shape without him. Or at least, better than we thought they would be. Devonte Graham's given this team new light when everyone expected dark days after failing to build around Kemba Walker and letting him walk. His steady shooting strikes a balance with Terry Rozier's irrational $50 million confidence. Even with Graham's inspiring play, this team falls short on any real capability of surviving the zombie invasion.
+ All Jokes aside, hoping Malik Monk bounces back!
- I never liked Nic Batum. It has nothing to do with his basketball ability, nor anything about him as a person. I just don't like him.
The Jordan documentary has me convinced he is willing to sacrifice any member of the team for his own survival: 2/10
Even during a zombie apocalypse, this team is boring. If the spurs had an armory, it'd probably be full of muskets and slingshots and catapults, and they still would somehow figure out a way to be successful.
+ 2014 Spurs beautiful game passing highlights
- Please Pop, play Lonnie Walker more
I am convinced the Spurs have a detailed plan in place just for this: Overall 9/10
Karl Anthony-Towns and D'Angelo Russell are those guys in college that think they have a cool idea for a startup. So, they spend two weeks deciding on the name and tell everyone to follow their Instagram page, but once they sit down to start the business, they have a rude awakening. The momentum fizzles out. Then one month later, they laugh about how stupid the idea was.
+ Ryan Saunder's sideline fits
+ This team did complete 180 from the unwatchable Thibodeau era
- KAT's body language
Minnesota is not the best place in the world right now and this team is not built for tough times: 4/10
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