NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 2

06/13/2020

The branded propeller blades slash through the intoxicated wind as the sun escapes the burning sky. Rich Paul in the pilot seat descends the Klutch Sports Helicopter atop of the Staples Center. A hatch door opens nearby. LeBron James climbs out, followed by fellow Klutch sports clients, Antony Davis and Kentavious Caldwell Pope. "LeBron, what about the other Lakers?" wonders Davis.

"What about them? We don't have room for everybody", LeBron dismisses Davis.

"Aren't we going to come back for them?", Davis wonders.

"Yea maybe for Caruso and Avery Bradley?", LeBron responds.

Pope chimes in, "What about Kyle Kuzma?"

"Shut yo ass up! If you weren't signed to my- I mean, to Rich's sports agency group you wouldn't even be here" LeBron exclaims.

Paul motions from the helicopter to hurry up. LeBron and Davis begin their secret handshake but are interrupted by the hatch re opening. The blonde head of Kyle Kuzma pops his head out.

"LeBron, please, help us! Dwight keeps talking about how he will never see Kelly Oubre again and Rondo keeps bringing up that he won a ring in 09. LeBron please!"

"Kuz, I tried to get you out of this situation, but the Pelicans were fine with taking Josh Hart instead of you." LeBron puts on his sunglasses and turns away to walk to the helicopter. David and Pope follow.

"LeBron, wait, I'll change! I'll pass the ball I swear. AD? KCP?"

The three ignore Kuzma's plead and resume their secret handshakes as the helicopter lifts off.


Skeletons by Travis Scott begins to play. Kuzma can only look with defeat as the Klutch Sports helicopter submerges into the sunset over a Los Angeles engulfed in chaos. Smoke coming out of buildings, the streets flooded with abandoned vehicles, and the Clippers still stuck in Staples Center.


Lakers

After a Klutch Sports Helicopter swoops up LeBron James, Anthony Davis, and "bread from heaven" himself, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, the Lakers are left with the land of misfit toys. Rajon Rondo-in-a-box only pops out during primetime games. Dwight Howard is dolly for sue because he looks the part on the outside, but for years fans have debated why their team signed him. Overtime its been revealed that Dolly considers herself a misfit due to her low self-esteem issues and psychological problems. She is a doll who feels she is unlovable. JaVale McGee is obviously the train caboose with four wheels. The Rudolph Red Nose Reindeer of this feel good movie, Alex Caruso, is going to need more help if he is ever going to get out and play basketball again. Before the zombie outbreak, Caruso was just starting to be mentioned in the conversation of Laker greats with the likes of Kurt Rambis, Derek Fischer, and Luke Walton. Individually these characters all may have flaws, but when they put aside their differences and come together, the sum of these parts can lead to great success.

+ I still cry whenever I think about Kobe

+ Lakers have one of the largest fan bases in the world, meaning they probably have way more zombies to fight off, unlike the clippers

+ They signed a Morris twin, but I don't know which one.

- Oh, it's just Markieff

Don't know how LeBron's leadership skills translate to a zombie apocalypse but he's seasoned in making tough decisions: 9/10


Grizzlies

In an unexpected turn of events, the Grizzlies are doing well for themselves. Jaren Jackson Jr has provided a lot of value with his versatility which complements their main emerging superstar Ja Morant. Despite being a rookie, Morant's fearlessness has galvanized this squad full of players NBA 2K signs for you if you start the season with an incomplete roster. Maybe if this team could adopt Morant's mentality and imagine each and every zombie as a hater, which in Ja's case is his dad.

+ All the young players calling out sneaky hypocrite, Andre Iguodala

+ Jonas Valanciunas is the only thing JV about this roster, am I right??? (Sorry for that joke)

+ Morant and JJJ are the new Juicy J and DJ Paul in my eyes

- When has Jae Crowder not been traded

This team might be too young to last through the apocalypse but still better than the Hawks: 6/10


Raptors

The team initially finds out about what happened when Lowry gets a text from former teammate Demar Derozan, "If you're reading this it's too late". To which Lowry responds with "Take Care". But For a team associated with Drake, this team is the furthest thing from a Drake team. Actually, I take that back. Like Drake, what sets this team apart is the ability to shape shift into whatever style is needed to stay relevant. Not only that, but to have the foresight to recognize trends before the rest of the competition and then to execute it on a high level. For a team coming off a championship, it's refreshing to see this team have such Fire & Desire. However, the only person that fits the Drake aesthetic is Fred VanVleet, only because it looks like VanVleet is Drake's barber. The players on this team are willing to make sacrifices. Clearly, One dance was not enough. They're probably letting the zombies know they won't be buried alive so easily.

+ Nothing was the Same

+ If your reading this, it's too Late

- Are we sure about Take Care?

- Serge Ibaka saying 'Bef peenas'

Canadian zombies are probably more chill than American zombies, this could be a difference maker: 8/10


Pacers

For as much nothingness as there is in Indiana, the Pacers locker room is surprisingly soothed. The players took turns addressing the team. Oladipo serenaded the fellas while Myles Turner led them in an impromptu yoga class. Once they were finished stretching themselves out beyond their limits, Malcom Brogdon, Barack Obama's voice coach, exemplified superb leadership by giving an eloquent speech ensuring they can overcome any zombie wave as long as they are willing to work together. In his speech, he called on the role players like Warren, Lamb, and the Holiday brothers to play their roles. It took Domantas Sabonis extra convincing especially after Turner got the nod to lead yoga instead of him.

+ Connected (ft. Pnb Rock) by Victor Oladipo

+ Goga Bitzade looks like Enes Kanter's younger brother who actually plays defense

- Lights On (Ft. Tory Lanez) by Victor Oladipo

- Drown (ft. Trey Songz) by Victor Oladipo

This scrappy team combines a bunch of non-basketball related random talent that might come in clutch during the apocalypse: 7/10


Knicks

The team tried to power forward, not once, not twice, not even three times but had four attempts to power forward through the back doors all coming to a head scratching halt. But then, once James Dolan's band began playing in the team's locker room, all the players collectively agreed to give up and let the zombies kill them. What a shame. In any other situation players like RJ Barrett, Mitchell Robinson, and Frank Ntilikina could have been something in this league, but they ended up on the most toxic franchise.

- James Dolan banned Charles Oakley from MSG

- After being a life time supporter of the Knicks, and synonymous with the team, Spike Lee was denied at the employee entrance

- James Dolan used to annoy players by playing his guitar on team flights

It's the Knicks: 1/10


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