NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 5

08/17/2020

 The 76ers locker room is in shock. Philly, a usually bustling city, is eerily quiet tonight. The players are gathered around the TV as they watch the Mayor announce what the players have found out through Twitter, the Philly Cheesesteak has been voted (and correctly) the most overrated sandwich in all of North America. The locker room can't believe what they are seeing. They knew this day was coming but not this soon.

Joel Embiid takes a chance at lightening up the mood, "Maybe they've just never had a Philly Cheesesteak from Philly."

"Oh, save it, we've known this was coming. It's best we learn to live with it", responds a dissolute Ben Simmons as he mutes the TV volume in anticipation of a team meeting.

The team turns its back to the TV just as an announcement flashes warning of the Covid-19 Induced pandemic. The Mayor is attacked by a zombie wearing a Nick Foles Philadelphia Eagles jersey. Subtitles appear on the screen as the Mayor screams, "RING THE BELL, RING THE LIBERTY BELL FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, RING THE BELL."

A reporter tries to strangle the zombie with her microphone cord, chaos ensues, and the broadcast shuts off. No one in the Philadelphia locker room sees this.

"But but without the Philly Cheesesteak, who are we as a city? Who are we as a team?!" cries out a desperate Raul Neto.

"At least we have the Liberty Bell," says Mike Scott as he reassures the team.

"Yeah, that's true" Alec Burks sighs.

"Wait, wait, I just got a notification. The Liberty Bell just got canceled on Twitter" Tobias Harris reveals.

"Oh, no! Who are we! What is our identity!" screams Raul Neto once again, much to the annoyance of his teammates.

All of a sudden, a loud ringing sound can be heard as it carries through the city. The recently Twitter-canceled Liberty Bell has been rung one last time to signal the presence of imminent danger to the city of brotherly love.

Just then, 1994 Australian National Basketball League Coach of the Year, Brett Brown, comes running down the hallway trailed by a hoard of zombies.

"What the fuck is happening," asks Ben Simmons

"LET ME IN SOMEBODY LET ME IN!" Brett Brown screams before he is reluctantly let in by Joel Embiid.

"ARE YOU GUYS NOT- Who in their right mind is making a shake right now?" Asks a sweaty and terrified Brett Brown. The now embarrassed Shake Milton turns off the blender mid shake and takes a seat.

"TURN ON THE TV! THE ZOMBIES ARE HERE" Yells Brett Brown

"Come on Brett. This is getting embarrassing. Faking a zombie apocalypse won't save you your job," Ben Simmons says as he turns on the TV.

Just then, a hologram of the late great Paul Revere is shown screaming, "THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING, THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!"

Philadelphia is in the background, and the city looks trashed, it looks just like the Eagles super bowl win.

The team watches on as the broadcast shows a Zombie hoard attacking parts of Philadelphia, a man resembling Carson Wentz seems to have taken the lead in defending the city as Jalen Hurts shadows him. Joel Embiid sees this as an opportunity to finally establish himself as the sole leader and make the team his own.

He gives an inspiring speech filled with motivational clichés and all the good stuff you want in a speech. As the speech ends, loud clattering can be heard outside the locker room as Zombie screams grow quieter and quieter.

A blood and brain stained man comes flying through the wall armed with baseball bats on each arm and a duffle bag filled with what looks like an array of semi-automatic weapons. It's clear the blood-brain cocktail is not of his own. These are zombie brains; these are bloody shoes.

The man wipes the blood off his face, revealing a round face with soft features. This man is Sam Hinkie, the man behind The Process.

The room gasps at the revelation of his face; it seems he has come to save them all.

"SAM! Thank God, Sam! You're here to save us all!" Screams Raul Neto once again.

Before Hinkie can answer, five new bodies enter the room armed with baseball bats and similarly covered in blood and brains.

Michael Carter-Williams

Nerlens Noel

Markelle Fultz

Dario Saric

Jahlil Okafor

With each body, it became more apparent why Hinkie had risked his life to break into the 76ers facility in the middle of a global pandemic. He was here to complete the process.

"Wait, Sam, why are you here?", asks Brett Brown

"You know why I'm here," responds Hinkie as Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons pack their bags and head for the door.

"Wait, Jojo, Ben, what are we going to do without you guys?" asks Matisse Thybulle, a question that is ignored by both Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons.

Before heading out, Joel Embiid asks Hinkie, "Where are we going? What are we going to do now?"

"Trust the Process Jojo, Trust the Process" - Sam Hinkie.


Sacramento Kings

Ah, the Kings. What do they do when they finally have a strong young foundation to build around? They fire their coach and sign old, overpriced veterans. Appropriately named, De'Aaron Fox might be one of the leagues fastest players, paired with Marvin Bagley, who has a hall of fame pogo stick badge. To sign players like Dwayne Dedmon(traded), Cory Joseph, and Trevor Ariza (traded) was counter-intuitive, to say the least, which Is why I think Fox and the rest of the young core should sacrifice the old players as bait and move forward with their young talent. The only good thing that came out of this disgruntling situation is that they might help Harrison Barnes break the record for the world's longest beard.

+ Buddy Hield's smile

+ De'Aaron Fox calling out NBA 2k

- Nemanja Bjelica

- Harrison Barnes' commitment

Plenty of video gamers on this team, might offer them an edge in preparation. 6/10


New Orleans Pelicans

This team without Zion had a fairly good chance of surviving a few waves. Brandon Ingram's frame helps him slither around and keep zombies at a distance. Veterans like Jj Reddick discourage young players Nickel Alexander-Walker from spraying and praying. Derrick Favors teaches Jaxon Hayes to not be overly aggressive and be more defensive. Jrue Holiday encourages Lonzo Ball to be more aggressive and shoot more instead of running up to get the easy zombie kill only to pass it off for the call of duty assist at the last second. However, this team with Mount Zion??? Good Lawd. Zion "Gimmie that" Williamson, fueled by jambalaya, can physically do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Zion can make these zombies look like preppy white kids he played in high school basketball.

+ For Zion by Miss Lauryn Hill

+ The league figuring out a way to sneak the pelicans in the playoffs

- Josh Hart fishing for viral moments. Who daps up like this?

- Lonzo's workout form. Yikes.

Real question is how soon till Lavar Ball sacrifices the team to save Lonzo like a classic super villain? 7/10


Philadelphia 76ers

76ers have trouble overlapping each other. Joel Embiid is getting frustrated shooting from a distance, so he tries to go face up the zombies but is immediately crowded by Ben Simmons's zombies who are ignoring his shooting. Al Horford, out of his element, cannot stop doing dribble handoffs. However, this team stubbornly persists hoping for different results without changing anything.

+ Matisse Thybulle future DPOY?

- Worst inside joke: Al Horford scared of the ball

- Tobias Harris is to J. Cole, what Dreamcast is to the PS2.

- 76ers Rookie Curse

With Simmons and Embiid potentially gone, this team might finally find their identity. 6/10


Golden State Warriors

As good as rap star Steph Curry is, there's not much you can do with a team with an intramural team full of former D2 players. Without future hall of framers around him, Draymond Green's skillset is exposed unable to really do much. Every now and then while fighting, Andrew Wiggins contributes which always serves as a surprise because you forget he is even there.

+Haha they suck now

-Curry is supremely underrated though

+ But who cares, they suck now haha

- Draymond Green thinks he's a better player than Charles Barkley

- Our future president, Soulja Boy's Steph Curry song

Draymond is willing to sacrifice whoever need be and Steve Kerr could get the zombie high as a kite (allegedly). 8/10


Phoenix Suns

The Suns top half of their roster might be the best-looking team in the NBA. Kelly Oubre. May I say more? Ricard 'GQ' Rubio Vives. Still not convinced. According to Celtics announcer Tommy Heinsohn, sharpshooter Aron Baynes is really put together down there. To quote the legendary Boston white guy Baynes "looks like all of Australia". Still not convinced? Devin "Why does it seem like he doesn't have eyebrows?" Booker made a cameo in Drake's music video for When to Say When which is worth something. Unfortunately, the rest of the roster is shaky. DeAndre Ayton looks like he got his birth certificate from the same place as Serge Ibaka. Dario Saric looks like an alien in disguise in a Men in Black movie. Frank Kaminsky looks like a peeled almond with facial hair. The point is it's imperative the suns make it out. What is the point of surviving the zombie apocalypse if Kelly Oubre won't be there?

+ Kelly Oubre Jr

+ Devin Booker

- Incoming Beef with Draymond Green

- Most lightskin team in the league

Bubble Booker and Bubble Suns proved they have more to them than we ever knew, a clear dark horse in the Zombie apocalypse. 7.5/10



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