If you haven't been paying attention, there's a storm a-brewin' in Oklahoma City. Clearly, this team is done tanking, but are we underrating how capable this team is? One of the youngest teams in league history that plays hard with an unselfish and fluid brand of basketball. 10th in defensive rating. 14th in offensive rating. With less than a month...
NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 6 - The FINALE
By: Khaqan Khan & Victor Olorunfemi
The Washington Wizards are in complete disarray. John Wall called a team meeting, but it has been over an hour and no John Wall. The locker room grows restless.
"Where do you think he is? You think he's okay?" asked Ish Smith as he bit his nails.
"Look, with or without John Wall, I've got y'all," responded an annoyed Bradley Beal.
Just as Bradley Beal finishes his statement, the lights go out, and the room darkens, the players all gasps at the same time as an unseen speaker system plays a Harry Potter hip-hop remix at full blast. A shadowy figure emerges from the shadow, wearing an oversized wizard cloak, jerking his body in strange synchronized movements back and forth as a blue aura glows around him.
"That's gotta be Suede the remix god," one voice says.
"What is this, what is happening? Is this one of the zombies?" exclaims a frightened Moritz Wagner.
"No, no, that's not a zombie. That's the Dougie!" yells an excited Ish Smith as he rises from his seat.
"Ayyyyyy! Ayyyyyy! Ayyyyyy!" the rest of the players chant as they clap enthusiastically in a synchronized manner as the shadowy Wizard figure fully gets into his Dougie with the Harry Potter hip-hop remix at full blast. There's one player still sat down. It's Bradley Beal.
The music finally stops as the shadowy figure stops his dance. A red spotlight shines on him as he removes the cloak covering his head. The shadowy wizard figure is John Wall, and the players exclaim, "wooooow!" in a mixture of shock and excitement.
"Some of you may be confused about what this is, but rest assured, it will all make sense soon. I am Johnathan Hildred Wall, second of my name, fourth in the line of Wizards of house Washington. It was never supposed to come to this, nonetheless. We trained for it, the world thought I was throwing gang signs during games, but that was me producing ancient protective wizardry." John Wall said this as he levitated, and a basketball floated around him as he threw up what looked like gang signs.
"You're a Wizard, John!" said an amazed Davis Bertrans.
"Yes, I am a Wizard. Since 1997, ownership has taken a chosen player from the NBA to become a Wizard and learn the secrets of Wizardy in case the world were to end. The goal was to combine elite athleticism, high IQ, and special unique ability, to make the ultimate Wizard. In case the world was to ever need it, we would be ready".
"Wow! So who were the Wizards before you?" asked a perplexed Shabazz Napier.
"God Shammgod was the first in 1997. But he soon had to leave the NBA to fight the forces of evil overseas. It left the United States vulnerable. The next Wizard was Sir Air Jordan, Michael Jordan himself. It took a lot to get him out of retirement, but once he understood the gravity of the situation, he became the second Wizard. Once he retired in 2003, the next season, the Order acquired Gilbert Arenas, AKA Agent-Zero. His time was, well, let's just say with great power comes great responsibility. The whole gun incident of 2010 was one of many mental breakdowns as Wizadry takes a great toll on those who aren't built for it".
"So how long have you been the Wizard?" a voice resembling Bradley Beal's said from the back of the room, "I could have been the Wizard. I could have been," the voice mumbled.
"That 2010 Gilbert Arenas incident was the tipping point that inspired ownership to take a new look at their practices. The next Wizard had to be someone they groomed from young. Someone with elite Wizard potential, someone who would remain loyal to the organization, someone with the athleticism and basketball IQ to protect the world, someone young, someone built different. So ownership drafted me with the number 1 overall pick, told me of my responsibilities, and made me a Wizard", John Wall said with a brief pause as the basketball continued levitating around him.
"I was young. I was only 19. But I quickly realized what I had to do. I made some mistakes along the way but all with good intentions," John Wall said after deep reflection.
"Anyway, legend told of this zombie apocalypse, and that's where I've been for the past year. I was never injured. I had to go and prepare for this date. Somethings are bigger than basketball, and I am here to save the world," John Wall said as he ended his levitation.
"So, so what happens now Wizard?" Garrison Matthews said in awe, an accurate reflection of the whole locker room.
"There's a role for each one of you, yet."
John Wall then begins elaborately moving his fingers in what, once again, looks like gang signs. The finger movement causes different objects to appear out of thin-air much to the amazement of the players. Weapons appear for each player in the locker room. Admiral Schofield got a Revolutionary War-themed Bayonet, Gary Payton ll gets a magical glove, and Rui Hachimura gets a Golden Samurai Sword.
With each player now armed for the Zombie Apocalypse, John Wall leads the team out of the arena and towards a city that has been overtaken by zombies. But before, he pauses briefly, turns, and tells the team.
"We're going to Disney World."
The Wizards are killing zombies at an incredible rate, but that is because they're letting in a lot more zombies through their defense than any other team. Bradley Beal is doing everything he can, but the rest of the Wizard's roster of forgotten Laker rejects and 2k roster fill players can only do so much.
+ Scott Brooks is a big hit in Japan for his relation to Rui Hachimura
+ Bradley Beal is a nice guy
- Thomas Bryant is better in 2k than in real life
- I feel like Ish Smith has been on this team for ten years.
Washington is a very scary place in real life but at least they have Wizards. 7/10
Oklahoma City Thunder
Don't look now, but Chris Paul and Shai Gorgeous-Alexander are leading the thunder out of the trenches. Overall good mate, Steven Adams is undoubtedly one of the strongest forces in the league, paired with the speedster Dennis Schroder. We talk about how cute Kelly Oubre, but we need to talk about how handsome Shai is, especially for a 21-year-old. He is already emerging as the beautiful face of a franchise. Many at first thought, this team was hopeless, and CP3 was going to be on his retirement run, but this team has proven they can handle adversity and most importantly, like fighting for each other.
+ This picture
+ Danillo Gallinari has a Barilla Hoodie lol
+ CP3 leadership gains
- The Love's sponsor patch
This team is built to last a Zombie Apocalypse. 8/10
Is Christian Wood just another way of referring to a Holy Cross? #FreeD-Rose. This is probably the most confusing team in all of basketball. In theory, if this were 2011, this Detroit roster would be one of the best in the league, with prime Blake Griffin and pre-ACL Derrick Rose leading the way. But it's 2020, and this team has no identity. Are they tanking? Are they rebuilding? Are they growing to trade up in the draft? No one knows what this team is doing, and I'm not entirely sure they do either. On the bright side, they still have three championships as a franchise.
+ Prime Derrick Rose highlight videos
+ Blake Griffin's comedy career
- Another Number 7/8 pick
Eminem put Detroit on the Hip-Hop map, I'm not sure what that means but I don't think its good. 3/10
Portland Trail Blazers
The Trail Blazers keep trying to escape from the roof, but they keep hitting their head on the ceiling. Some of the players plead to Damian Lillard to try another route, but Lillard does not realize he needed the role players from last year (Enes Kanter, Seth Curry, Meyers Leonard) to reach the necessary height. It does not help that the Bosnian Aaron Baynes, Jusuf Nurkic, is still not the same since returning.
+ Remember when they got stuck in the elevator?
+ I would trade my firstborn son for CJ McCollum's game
- Dame is a flopper
Portland already has mass civil unrest, this doesn't bode well for a Zombie outbreak. 5/10
Perhaps the coolest and most dangerous team in the entire league. Jimmy Butler, Tyler Herro, and Kelly Olynyk? Are you kidding me? This team can hit you in so many ways. Starting with powerhouse Bam Adebayo who is in between the point-center evolution spectrum between Giannis Antetokounmpo and Nikola Jokic. Bam could tank, while Herro, Goran Dragic, and Duncan Robinson play support. Butler, along with Kendrick Nunn (not to be confused with Kris Dunn) and Derrick Jones Jr. can deal out heavy damage. When this team clicks, they are a force to be reckoned with.
+ Personally, I'm not a fan of Jimmy Butler's sense of humor, he doesn't really say clever stuff, but the fact that he's saying it makes it fun and he's honest which I appreciate, but I digress
+ Miami Vice Jersey's should be the permanent jersey
+ Tyler Herro is winning the Pandemic Break.
- Every time I see Duncan Robinson play, I think of The Graduate and the Simon Garfunkel song Mrs. Robinson. As if Duncan Robinson wasn't white enough.
- To think someone like Kelly Olynyk was 'the man' at some random high school.
They have palm trees and bad beaches. 8/10
Out of the 30 teams in the league, I like the Lakers, Bucks, Clippers, and the Raptors chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse. The teams that wouldn't surprise me making out are the Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, and the Miami Heat. Besides that, the rest of the league are a few steps behind all these teams mentioned. If we can all agree on one thing, is that we are glad the NBA returned. It saved us from this terrible Khris Middleton highlight video. Honestly thought, it might be one of the worst sports highlight videos I have ever seen. Right after this one.
That concludes our NBA versus Zombies series. If you're confused by what you just read, tap the links below for the previous five parts. No promises it'll make more sense, but at least you'll have fun reading it.
NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 1: How Each Team Fares in a Zombie Apocalypse
NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 2
NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 3
NBA Players Versus Zombies Part 4
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